Nightclub SEO

SEO for your website is a thoroughly mathematical proposition, but there are intriguing – and humorous – parallels between SEO and the social interactions at a nightclub. This analysis is necessarily written from a male perspective, but it should be pretty clear how to draw the analogy from a female view as well. So let’s party!

The first comparison is one of difference. Unlike the online world where search is commanded by a very small number of search engines, the nightclub environment is frequented by dozens or even hundreds of “search engines” – Gender Inter-Relationship Leader (GIRL) units – each presenting a different mix of attractive benefits for the Mass of Attenuated Neurology (MAN) that achieves top ranking.

On the other hand, just like search engines, GIRL ranking algorithms are undisclosed and thereby subject to rampant speculation. The unavoidable result is the creation of an entire subculture devoted to this study – code named PUA – that enjoys a following every bit as intense as the SEO community.

But despite all the mystery, there are some things that we do know.

First, “content is king”. It is clear the GIRLs rate MANs based on social interaction, both verbal and non-verbal. The first “spidering event”, termed an “opener”, appears particularly critical – much like a title tag. Be aware however that reusing previously successful openers can result in a well documented “duplicate content penalty” that results in nearly permanent loss of rank.

Numerous other penalties are possible, all generally delivered without any warning, and there are no credible reports of a successful “reinclusion request”, so penalty avoidance is critical. In particular, “spamming” will almost always result in a complete “ban” and in the worst case will be accompanied by a “GIRL-slap”.

But returning to observed ranking factors … in addition to content, linking also appears to be vital to successful top ranking with many GIRLs. Such linking can take several forms, but all are directed at enhancing “social proof” as computed by the ClubRank algorithm.

Methods for manipulation of ClubRank are widely taught in PUA. The most widely used technique appears to be the “mini-net” of interlinked MANs. In the simplest case, this is reduced to the “wing MAN” linking structure and this is the most common method observed in field tests.

There are a multitude of other factors GIRLs use to rank MANs – a commonly reported number is 200 – but the two covered here are widely reported as the most critical.

Comments

  1. I appreciate the humor… makes my suspected GIRL-slap sting a little less.

  2. By the way… you’re your funniest when you make fun of people to their face. I’ve seen you do it on videos and audio calls and it’s hilarious. It’s too subtle to be offensive, but it’s noticeably funny: to me at least.

  3. Ok Leslie that was “laugh out loud” funny.

    It all gets a bit serious sometimes and that certainly provided some welcome comic relief!

  4. Lol! Love the analogy Leslie. Thanks for making SEO fun! 🙂

  5. Very funny and true. I usually use a party analogy to explain people SEO as well, but not as funny as yours.

  6. That’s hilarious. Frank kern would definitely appreciate this humor, he did the launch for one of the major PUA products back in 2007…

  7. Have you been working with David DeAngelo recently?

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